I recently took a string of happiness and personality assessments that I found online.

I learned that that I am a contrarian optimist. I like to think of bright futures, and have faith that all will be well. But I also have a tendency toward catastrophic thinking that is … less than sunny.

But the bigger thing I learned is that I feel truly fulfilled and happy with my life, even if the day-to-day feels exhausting and repetitive and a bit limiting. And that contradiction was hard to articulate and understand.

A Little of This and a Little of That

At first, answering all those assessment questions, I felt like I had to call myself out a little bit.

I’m not ending every day jumping for joy. In fact, I find myself counting down to the kids’ bedtime many evenings and resisting the sleep that will usher in the chaotic start of another day. The thought of planning endless meals and doing an eternity of laundry is usually so exhausting that, well, I often just don’t do those things.

So why did I sincerely want to answer every question about my happiness at the top of the scale? Might I have been lying—trying to adhere to romanticized images of family life?

After some self-examination, I didn’t feel I was lying at all.

I am tired. I cry sometimes. I have chronically low energy inputs and chronically high energy outputs. I rarely have time in my day to do something simply for fun, just for me or for my marriage or in my friendships. Every day, I do much the same thing—and have very little flexibility in what needs to be done.

But I am also happy. A sleepy, sometimes reluctant, confused, and frustrated kind of happy—but happy nonetheless. And deeply so.

It’s hard to wrap my head around that. And it’s even harder to explain to others.

For example, when I have a bad day and just feel weepy or worn out, my husband often rushes to help. “What can I do?” he asks. And I’ll ask for some things, but then I’m still tired, and I think he wonders if I’m just unhappy. But that’s not it at all. I’m just worn out, or having a bad day.

It’s difficult to articulate how I am existentially happy but also temporally exhausted. But it’s true. It’s deeply true.

Less Hustle, More Humble

We like to think about happiness being a choice. And indeed, we choose joy to a great extent, as Saint Gianna Molla once said: “The secret of happiness is to live moment by moment and to thank God for all that He, in His goodness, sends to us day after day.”

But joy is not simply the absence of suffering. Happiness is not simply the opposite of sorrow.

Take these bits of wisdom from Fulton Sheen:

“Joy is the happiness of love—love aware of its own inner happiness. Pleasure comes from without, and joy comes from within, and it is, therefore, within reach of everyone in the world.”

“Pleasure is quick and violent, like a flash of lightning. Joy is steady and abiding, like a fixed star.”

We can own our sense of joy, but we do so primarily by letting go of our need for it. Because joy comes from love, and love can only be real when it is selfless—when we let go of our self-interest and invest ourselves, instead, in the wellbeing of another person, in loving the Lord.

This concept is in stark contrast to the often hedonistic world we live in today. “Do what makes you happy” is a common mantra, and we are often encouraged to prioritize our desires above all else in an effort to “achieve” happiness. YOLO, right?

I have often, in moments of restlessness or boredom or overwhelm, felt like I needed to pick up some valuable hobby or skill to make myself happier—or maybe just to buy something or go somewhere to find a little joy in my day. Surely a creative outlet would make me feel more energized? Or a side hustle would bring me more reward and validation in my talents? Or a trip somewhere sunny will leave me feeling rested and blissful?

So sometimes I try it. And lo: It’s never quite clicked. I didn’t have the energy to consistently put into a creative outlet, or a side hustle, or an academic pursuit. Or I bought the thing or went somewhere—and came back, settled in, and promptly felt exactly as exhausted as before. That’s not a great realization.

But I’ve learned that, even though this season of life—the one where I have small children and grown-up responsibilities and a full-time job and the urgent need to consistently take care of myself, too, in ways that don’t drain me even further—is busy and hectic and exhausting and emotionally draining, I am still a fundamentally happy person.

I’m happy with the family I’ve built with my husband. I’m happy with my relationships and my circumstances. I’m happy to be a working mom with a support system to help make that sustainable.

Little moments of pleasure help bring light to dark days, of course. And new things or hobbies or adventures can offer that. But I’ve had to learn to stop looking at those things as sources of happiness. I must instead understand that real, actual joy is a subtle and existential thing—something that comes more mysteriously and more fundamentally from within me, something that no fleeting fun can replicate.

Joy is Embracing the Freedom Born of Obedience

We are all called to follow the will of God for our lives. That doesn’t mean He makes every decision for us; we have free will. But staying on a holy path, to the best of our abilities, teaches us that temporary, situational happiness is much less important than sustained fulfillment in life—even (an especially) when reaching that fulfillment is extraordinarily hard in the moment. And we ultimately become better, more joyful people for that.

We can choose our attitudes and our behaviors. But we can’t choose every challenge we will face in life (or, often, its perfect resolution). Not every moment can be saturated in happiness, no matter how much we will it to be.

What we can do, in moments of pain, is close our eyes, breathe deep, and center our hearts on the energy that powers us: the knowledge that God loves us more profoundly than we’ll ever know, and that this moment in time—although it may feel truly massive for us—is no obstacle to eternity. We can find solace by resting, for even a moment, in that genuine and salvific love, and try our best to return that love.

The rest will follow, good or bad, and we will survive—eternally—if we do our part in loving God and others first.

So find joy in the little moments. Find it when you set aside yourself and get lost in a charitable endeavor or a gift for someone close to you. Find it in a cool breeze on a hot day, or a warm fire on a cold night. Find it in random acts of kindness and, above all, in God’s presence in the sacraments.

But in the bigger picture, know that you will find joy by seeking to understand God’s path for your life—and following it, even when it’s hard.

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Matthew 22:36-40

Jesus did not give us his greatest commandment to impose more rules upon us. He wanted to ensure we take good care of our communities and honor his example, yes. But he was also giving us a great gift: the real key to happiness.

“If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment: that you love one another as I have loved you.” –John 15:10-12

It’s widely known that moms tend to carry the bulk of the mental load for their families. Finding a division of labor that works in your marriage is critical to a happy home. If both spouses are good to each other, that division ends up about even—but that doesn’t mean every day or every category is equal.

In my home, I keep track of appointments, monitoring calendars, managing childcare, meal planning, keeping household essentials in stock, watching our future to-do lists—balancing a lot of short-term and long-term needs to keep the family functioning smoothly.

As a result, my mind is usually turning gears on five or six different machines at once in addition to managing my own needs.

It’s a lot. It’s definitely part of what makes motherhood so exhausting. Moms are practical, emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual. We are phenomenal multitaskers—it’s one of our many superpowers. But it ain’t easy.

Don’t Even Try Doing It All

Much of the advice I see about multitasking is deeply unhelpful: “Don’t do it so much.”

I can’t not do it. If I don’t do it, too many of the balls I’m juggling will hit the floor. Picking up the pieces will be roughly one zillion times more stressful than managing them preventatively, so it’s the latter I’ll continue to do. But how?

How do you watchfully keep so many balls in the air without losing sight of the bigger picture?

Partly, it’s about balance. But it’s also about accepting reality.

Let’s face it: We cannot do everything at all times. No one should hold us to that impossible expectation—including, and most importantly, ourselves. But that doesn’t mean we need to somehow just stop managing the many components of family life.

That’s where the balance comes in.

Some Tasks Pair Well. Others Don’t.

Occasionally, my husband and I enjoy a DIY wine and cheese night. After the kids go to bed, we open a bottle of wine and arrange neatly sliced cheeses alongside salami and crackers on a plate. It’s a fun way to be fancy without leaving home.

Now, I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to pairing. But because I love wine and cheese as much as I do—both individually and together—it doesn’t really matter. I just enjoy the eating and the sipping and the bonding with my husband.

Multitasking is nothing like that. It’s not especially fun, and the tasks involved aren’t nearly as delightful as a creamy Havarti or a dry cabernet. It needs to be managed deliberately to be a bearable exercise.

To that end, here are some of my rules for more tolerable multitasking.

1. Combine a little bit from every category as often as you can.

If I’m trying to focus my brainpower on five things at once, they have to be broad so I don’t get too overwhelmed by a single role.

Example 1: I can run a load of laundry (housework) while I respond to emails (professional), with my favorite music playing in the background (self-care) and a few short breaks to check dinner in the Crock-Pot (housework) and go remind my kids they should be napping instead of jumping around their room like monkeys (momming).

This is a typical afternoon for me and isn’t particularly overwhelming. But what if all five of those things fell into the same role responsibilities?

Example 2: I can run a cycle of laundry (housework) while I get dinner prepped and into the oven (housework), cleaning the kitchen (housework) as I go. Meanwhile I’m packing my daughter’s lunch for tomorrow (momming) and folding the laundry from the previous load (housework).

If I have an open afternoon when I’m finished with work, the kids are actually napping, I’m feeling energetic, and my mind is clear, that’s a manageable list. But how often does all that happen at the same time? Almost never. So if I’m trying to do all the housework at once, I’m constantly distracted by deadlines I didn’t get to that day (professional); the kids making far too much noise instead of sleeping like they’re supposed to (momming); and the fact that I haven’t had more than 30 minutes to myself in three days (self-care).

Now, instead of feeling like I’m accomplishing a checklist of diverse tasks, I put all this work into one category just to watch it multiply (that next load of laundry won’t fold itself, and the dishes are piling up)—ignoring all the others even as they nag at me from every angle.

I need to focus on each role responsibility in bite-sized chunks. That way, I feel relatively on top of it all and can compartmentalize everything that needs to be done into separate, manageable spaces of time.

2. Accept that not every pony is going to be in the ring for every show.

Now, combining categories doesn’t mean that every responsibility gets my attention at all times. That’s just not possible. During business hours, for example, my brainpower needs to focus on work—and the other stuff needs to sit, undone, until I can get to it. When my kids are sick, momming must be my priority. Most of the time, I need to let a few things slide to make sure more immediate needs are met.

Combining categories does mean, however, that things come up about equal on a typical day. Maybe none of them is done perfectly or completely, but none of them is neglected, either. So when I have a day or time block that requires my full attention on one category, it’s less painful to stay focused and temporarily set aside the rest.

This helps immensely with a couple of common plagues: mommy guilt, prioritizing time for myself, keeping the house reasonably tidy so that I can hustle-clean if unexpected company comes over, and so forth.

3. Keep an eye out for looming existential catastrophes and stop them before they stop you.

When someone is literally juggling, if she’s highly experienced and relaxed, a ball or two may fall to the floor without disrupting her flow. But if she’s new or nervous, seeing a ball fall may throw off her game—and all the other balls might come tumbling down after it. Even if she’s exceptionally centered, she’ll probably need help to put a dropped ball back into the rotation.

In terms of multitasking, few of us can stay completely level-headed when we fail to manage something important. We are naturally and emotionally invested in each of the burdens we bear. So our knee-jerk reaction will be to overcorrect, which means the other things get much less attention—which means the whole routine may collapse. It’s a domino effect. If we let it get out of hand and simply watch this collapse happen around us, we tend to question whether we’re capable of fulfilling our roles and our families’ needs.

Step one in preventing such a crisis is staying humble. We need to expect that things will fall out of place here and there—sometimes due to our own fault, sometimes due to circumstances outside our control. We need to lean on God and constantly remind ourselves that we are loved regardless of our faults, we can always improve with His help, and we are not in this alone.

The next step is self-awareness. It is so important to be honest with yourself and your support system about what you’re managing well, and what may be starting to slip. A frequent examination of conscience (and Confession!) can be helpful in many ways here: you’ll monitor which areas could use some extra attention and take good care of your soul.

The final step is to ask for help. Ask for it early—before things start to crumble—so you can articulate your needs, minimize the burden on others (you shouldn’t feel guilty about this anyway, but don’t we all hate sharing our crosses?), and not have to set down other important priorities to put out fires. Even a little bit of help (from your spouse, or your neighbor, or your older kids) can make a huge difference in getting back on track before things go off the rails.

How do you manage your multitasking? Visit my Facebook page to share your tips and tricks with other busy moms!

The internet is a place for learning and community. It’s a place I’ve appreciated very much as a mother—especially as an introvert—and it’s full of resources I’m glad my kids can access as they grow up.

But it is also a place for jerks.

For example, there’s been a huge debate among Catholics on Twitter this month about the morality of mothers working outside the home. It began with an interview in which a Catholic man made some very sexist comments and radical claims about the Church’s teachings on working moms.

Why this is even a debate is beyond me. We have saints who were working mothers (looking at you, Saint Gianna!); we have popes who’ve praised mothers for their efforts within and outside of the home; and most clearly of all, we have no doctrine stating that mothers must stay home to fulfill their duties toward their children. (On these points, much has been written. Instead of trying to duplicate them, I’ll point you to an excellent read here.)

The Church and Job Discernment

Many of those outside the Church see Catholicism as a laundry list of rules dictating believers’ daily lives. And while it’s true that we hold ourselves to unpopular and often difficult moral choices, a lesser-known truth of the Catholic Church is that she leaves plenty of details up to the discernment of her members.

Such details aren’t inherently rooted in morality or theology. Rather, they’re rooted in how we—as unique children of God, made with specific talents and living in certain circumstances—practice our vocations and navigate the world.

For example, it is up to us to discern how many children to have and when (so long as our marriages remain open to life); whether purchasing a new vehicle is a good idea (so long as we’re not using it as a status symbol); which books to read (so long as we’re not succumbing to immoral or evil thoughts and behavior as a result of their influence); and so on.

Among these topics of discernment is the question of whether, where, and how spouses should work outside the home to support their families. Among the arrangements they may reasonably discern are:

• Only Dad should work and Mom should be a full-time, stay-at-home-parent (so long as he’s able to provide for his family’s financial needs, his work is moral, he remains involved with his children and devoted to his wife in ways that suit his talents and meet their needs, and Mom can provide sufficient childcare).
• Only Mom should work and Dad should be a full-time, stay-at-home parent (so long as she’s able to provide for her family’s financial needs, her work is moral, she remains involved with her children and devoted to her husband in ways that suit her talents and meet their needs, and Dad can provide sufficient childcare).
• Dad and Mom should both work full-time outside the home (so long as they’re able to provide for their family’s financial needs, remain involved with their children and one another in ways that suit their talents and meet their needs, access good childcare, and maintain a healthy home).
• Dad and Mom should both work, in some unique blend of full-time, part-time, outside, and at-home employment (you get the idea).

Today’s socioeconomic world is complicated. Frankly, it’s a difficult time for families to choose—or even have the option of—living on a single income. Some of us are well equipped for tight budgets and managing debt. Others thrive on stability and have costly priorities, such as sending children to Catholic schools. Neither of these “types” of families is wrong, and parents can fall into either of these categories without either failing to provide for their children or living in gluttony.

Is your family cared for virtuously, well-loved, and supported both physically and emotionally? If so, you’re doing a bang-up job—whether those 40 hours are spent in your house or out of it.

Thoughts for Dads

To any dads reading this, I’m sorry that you are so left out of this conversation. It may be true that mothers tend to be nurturers and have historically taken on the majority of childcare responsibilities. It may be true that your specific talents are best applied to the workforce. And it may be true that your career fulfills you as well as sustains your family.

But it’s also true that you are a parent as much as your wife is. Your contribution to the family isn’t—and shouldn’t be—simply financial. It isn’t simply biological, either. Your ability to spend quality time with your family and help raise your children well is immensely valuable and your effort in doing so is deeply appreciated. You are your babies’ hero.

If you’re following this debate and wondering whether the criticism and insults thrown at working mothers (“How could you spend such little time with your own flesh and blood?”) apply to you, too, the answer is simple: these insults apply to no hard-working, loving parent. Whether you support your family within or outside of your home, so long as they are your first priority and they know how fundamentally you love them, you are doing it right.

Thoughts for Moms

As women, we are fed so many lies by mainstream culture: that our bodies can’t be managed as designed, that we aren’t good enough, that our needs must come last. The lies we hear about our place in the workforce are exceptionally harsh, because they come from every direction.

We are told that our contributions are insufficient if we aren’t working outside the home: that our children will never see what an enlightened woman should be, that we’re sapping resources, that we’re taking advantage of our husbands’ hard work, that we’re lazy.

We are told that our contributions are insufficient if we are working outside the home: that our children will never see us, that we’re abandoning them to irresponsible and unloving caretakers, that we’re leaving our homes in filth, that we’re belittling our husbands’ masculinity, that we’re selfish.

Both “sides” of this debate can lob hateful bombs at the other. As with so many social disputes, the extreme minorities tend to be the loudest. And their aggression hurts everyone in between.

Those of us who are in between simply respect others’ choices and efforts for their families. We tend to be quiet because we’re working really hard and, not having participated in many of these unkind conversations, we don’t always know that our neighbors need our affirmation.

So I think that’s step one toward a better world for all of us: this silent but loving majority should get loud. Pat your sister on the back for staying home full-time and not losing her mind. Pat your cousin on the back for working elsewhere full-time and not losing her mind. Let the parents you admire know that they’re doing a fine job, no matter what their daily routines look like.

Work to Live

Friends, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s; and to God the things that are God’s.” For parents, work is simply the means to the most important end: a healthy, thriving family and home life that nurtures its souls into sainthood. Don’t take your work—or the lack of it, if you’re a stay-at-home parent—too seriously, don’t put it first, and don’t let it torture you.

Don’t let other people torture you about it, either. You are doing good work for your family, and that is what matters. Use those labors to bring more fruit home to them, and don’t worry about the rest.